What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
