I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
