I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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