You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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