I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
