awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need to wash the frat house off of me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
