he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
