I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
