I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't deserve a penis
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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