He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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