I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
