You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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