NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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