I just saw a hot homeless man
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
