Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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