The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
