I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
