can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
