MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
