I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
