READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
