you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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