He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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