if you like me you must not know who I am
wanna go halves on a baby?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
