her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
