If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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