so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
