Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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