i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
