i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
