I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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