I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
