she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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