I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
