it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
