I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
don't judge my taste in strippers
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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