today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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