I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
where am i from again
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
