Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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