I wish I could teleport
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
