I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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