just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
