The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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