You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
