apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
