Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
