Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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