I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
