I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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