u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
