I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dear god my vagina.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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