Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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