**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
how drunk are you?
Several
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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