All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
